When a shomer neigh couple are alone together for the first time on their wedding day they often just sit and hold hands, relishing the specialness of a simple touch. This is what Judaism is all about: And even into the marriage relationship, Judaism tries to constantly renew the marital relationship by requiring monthly times of separation. There are times for embracing and times for refraining from embracing.
And in those spaces of time in which touching is forbidden, there is room for a spiritual relationship to grow. A man is forced to get to know his wife, to talk to her. And there may be frustrations at times but ultimately it's more romantic. In fact, the very essence of romance is forbidden-ness is that a word? Okay, so that's the overview of shomer negiah. Now to address the objections to it. It's not missing out.
If you wait till you're married then that relationship will be new and special. If you experience all those new and exciting feelings now then you won't have them in the future--at least not to the degree as before. This is code for the underlying concern: Doesn't being shomer negiah prevent me from finding out if the person I'm dating will be able to please me?
Both the secular viewpoint and the Jewish viewpoint agree that the secular approach to relationships has the potential to teach something about relationships. The difference is that Judaism says the secular approach is both harmful and totally unnecessary. If the secular approach involves potentially harming someone then it is, by definition, immoral.
And the difficulty of taking the moral path should never be an excuse to take the immoral path. Then you don't understand men. Real love respects the fact that we have needs for both physical and emotional connection. Orthodox couples don't date for years. You spend a short period of time getting to know the other person, his or her family and friends. Find out about values and character traits.
Is the person even marriage-oriented? Do they have a realistic understanding of what marriage is about?
Shomer Negiah: Why Not Touching Before Marriage Is Less Crazy Than You Thought
Its amusing how people lecture to us about physical abstinence as if we were non inhibitive teenagers. Yes people fool around but its not our business what people do with their sexuality.
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Mentors are there to guide us and offer some insight. They are not there to dictate our choices for us. Mind you, I dated my husband for 2 years. Even though we knew which boundaries not to cross, we decided not to be shomer after a while. I have no regrets since we are still happily married and in love with each other Thank G-d. When did this religion turn into a frikkin cult?? Like you said — your choice. But if it actually bothers you that there are others who keep to the divine directions, and futhermore pass them on to their children for the continuation of observance, then you are an unbelieveable fag.
I think you need another category for guys like me: This was the first post I ever read by you, my friend showed it to me in spring 09 or so and that led me to check out the entire blog and become a regular reader.
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I knew this post sounded familiar. I thought you had become like the old guys in shul who constantly repeat the same stories and jokes. Tends to exist among younger Frum individuals who are not ready for marriage. And this part right here is my fave as it immediately brings up the visual of 42nd St and 5th Ave in Manhattan….
I went out with a guy like that. What can I say, I was young and stupid. Frum gay guys are great friends. One gay friend just got engaged! To many more screwed up years of increasingly complex lies! Hhhmmmm I can see where you are coming from, but, to me, metrosexual implies a style of dress whereas Cock-tease implies a behavior, so I am not sure the two terms are equivalent.
Garrison goes into the local tavern and sees that the entire town is now dressed gay. He starts going around flirting with everyone, but none reciprocate. Someone explains Metrosexuality to Garrison. I understand that rabbis want to discourage premarital sex but it is simply not natural for members of the opposite sex to not touch, especially when courting. Closing off the ability to touch is just another way that healthy, natural impulses are repressed. Yaakov Avinu kissed Rochel Imainu right after meeting her, and he ended up being a pretty big tzaddik.
I am talking about a category of people and meant to speak in general terms ONLY. So, what is the male equiv. I am not talking about the guys who promise u the moon and end up using you. Well, my room mate and I consulted with Urbandictionary, and found that the word cunt tease is definitely in order here. Of course, most of them think that a guy has to be [cough] good looking to be a cunt tease!
I beg to differ. Yes, it is quite a derogatory term enough that the FCC has put a fatwa on it. And oh yeah, any girl can be a cock-tease. Basically, my question for years has been where are these Jewish girls who give good head and how come I never end up with any of them? Hehehe, maybe you gotta be a cunt-tease to get one, dude?
The Unofficial Guide to Shomer Negiah
With my luck, we would probably need to add a new category: I remember before I was religious, I was more prone to give random guys a chance. They all tried to play the same games….
Oh, but, I think many are. They would tell me they were going to do things for me. I wonder how many dumb chicks fall for that kinda crap. All too many, Michal, all too many …. Perhaps one of the funniest lines ever uttered in my MO Coed high school.
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There was this really frum girl in my grade who was going off on one of her holier-than-thou-art diatribes, and in there was mention of how she was shomer negiah. You know the old joke, how do you get a Jewish girl to stop putting out? Funny u should mention that joke… I was in the gym the other day when I heard it, but with the amendment that marriage will only stop her from putting out with YOU. One time, a Jewish man fell ill. On top of it, I don't want my niece to feel that G-d took her uncle away.
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What do you do in a work environment? I leave it at handshaking, which is still seen as an affront in Puerto Rico where workmates of the opposite gender hug and kiss. What do you do with someone with whom you are serious? While being BT, I have done a great job keeping my hands to myself even before becoming frum. Nonetheless, I was engaged before becoming frum and, let's say, I did things I shouldn't have done.
The Unofficial Guide to Shomer Negiah
Things not requiring clothes. Let me tell you, the saying that it is better to have loved than not to have loved at all is a pile of crap and was written for the sluts of the world to justify their behaviour. After my engagement fell appart, it took me five to six years to recover emotionally from the damage I had caused myself by doing things I wish I hadn't. On top of that while being almost ten years since the meltdown, I still have vague memories which I wish I didn't have. I feel that I have cheated both myself and my future kallah out of something completely pure and whole.
Personally, being one of those forty-year old singles, I think your friend staying away from co-ed events is a mature decision on her part. I have no desire to touch for the sake of touching, rather to form a life-long bond. Anything else will be regretted for a long, long, long time.
I hope my story gives both you and your friends chizuk. I grew up in a frum MO home and so did my wife.
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